|
|
Friday, August 12th, 2005
| |
2:23 pm - a fuck up
|
You know when the right guy comes along? And you knowyouve fucked it up, but you know hes the right one? thats how I feel. I do stupid things for false affection and to get love. I know its stupid, but it helps for a while. Just the day after i feel really shitty.
Josh turned me down this past week. It was nice spending time with him. I enjoyed him holding me, but now i doubt he'll ever talk to me, he hasnt returned the phone call i left. Im such an idiot. I really really liked him. Now i probably dont even have him as a friend.
I did something really stupid yesterday and slept with alex. I feel so bad about it because i dont like him like that. Then to a point im scared of men. I hate it. I feel so stupid. Alex, if u ever read this, im sorry for using you. I just need some affection. you made me feel special like i was wanted. and thats what i need.
current mood: crushed
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, August 11th, 2005
| |
1:17 am - Josh
|
So i spent a lil bit of time with Josh today, it was pretty nice, we went to the mall, saw aaron. that was nice. We walked around to a few stores, looked at stuff, he told me what he thought would look good on me. It was nice. I held his hand for a while. That was very nice. I feel so at peace with him. Like i found how we were talking in one of the stores, and it was like no one existed but us. Amazing. I know he thinks the distance wont work out, but i know it will. Ive so enjoyed the time i spent with him. We went and harassed Franny at CVS afterwards, that was funny. On the drive home, we pulled over on globe to talk, and as i was hugging him and he was holding me, lol this old man comes to his driveway (BTW we werent in it) and smiles at josh thinking hes getting more than a hug. lol. I feel so great when he holds me, like nothing can hurt me. He kissed me twice today, i felt sparks when he kissed me, but unsure if he feels them. He probably doesnt.
I cant ever get a guy. so i suck. Josh is just so amazing, hes leaving tomorrow morning, i cant wait until he comes back. This song is how i feel.....................hes like the perfect one, i thought id never find.
It's late at night and we're all alone
With just the music on the radio
No one's coming, no one's gonna telephone
Just me and you and the lights down low
And we're
CHORUS:
Slow dancing, swaying to the music
Slow dancing, just me and my girl
Slow dancing, swaying to the music
No one else in the whole wide world
Just you, girl
And we just flow together when the lights are low
And shadows dancing across the wall
The music's playing so soft and slow
And the rest of the world so far away and small
And we're
CHORUS
Hold me, hold me
Don't ever let me go
As we dance together in the dark
There's so much love in this heart of mine
You whisper to me and I hold you tight
You're the one I thought I'd never find
CHORUS
current mood: annoyed
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, August 9th, 2005
| |
11:26 am
|
So after argueing with josh yesterday, he finally came up, and we spent an AMAZING evening together. We sat at the marina for a while, which was nice, and went to Dennys. Good food. Lol :) Hes so awesome though. His kisses make me Melt. its amazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzing. so intense.
Today im gunna see him :D
current mood: giddy
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, August 8th, 2005
| |
11:53 am
|
Yep broke my heart again. Last night he goes "Im going to prove you wrong" and he didnt, i was right. hes not coming, Yep. I hate being right. I hate being hurt. He said he didnt have enough money i offerend to give him some when he got up here. he said no. Ive been crying the majority over the morning. waited til the last minute when i was expecting him to hurt me. Hes real lovely. I hate being hurt. I thought he was diffrent. Now i gotta wait 3-4months to see him. Oh well. Maybe hes not worth it.
current mood: sad
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, August 7th, 2005
| |
5:24 pm - Another heart break.
|
|
Heh knew it. Said he'd come tonight...nah not happening. Probably will make up an excuse for tomorrow too. :-/
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, August 6th, 2005
| |
8:34 pm
|
The Lady
You scored 26% Cardinal, 48% Monk, 61% Lady, and 40% Knight!
|
Chaste and pure, you are a good person. You try to help others and do
your duty to your family. However, this duty involves you being sold
off to a local noble house in order to cement relations between your
families. But you know it's for a greater good, and besides you will
retain all the comforts and glamour of your position regardless of if
you're your father's or you husband's property. |
|
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: | You scored higher than 25% on Cardinal | | You scored higher than 68% on Monk | | You scored higher than 97% on Lady | | You scored higher than 25% on Knight |
|
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, August 5th, 2005
| |
5:40 pm - Heh everyone else is playing
|
1. Reply with your name and I will write something random about you.
2. I will then tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I will list an article of clothing that I particularly remember as being yours.
4. I will say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I will tell you my first memory of you.
6. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll then ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. Put this in your journal, or else!
current mood: hyper
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
10:53 am - Met a new guy.
|
Hrm. Ive been talking with this guy josh. Hes pretty cool. Too bad he lives in columbus. I really like him. Alot. Hes coming to visit soon. his parents live up here and so do most of his friends. Im glad Cisco introduced us. :) It was very nice of him to do so. I havent been so happy in a long time. He always makes me laugh and smile.
Im just afraid he'll never want a relationship. He may say he feels the same way, but i know hes afraid of getting hurt, All i wanna do is be there for him. I see a long lasting relationship with him. Heh. hes everything i ever wanted. Sense of humor, i can tease him and he wont get pissed. and he doesnt think about sex constantly. which is a very good thing. Hes going to college which i LOVE. which means he wants to do something with his life. and another thing, he realizes I have issues and still cares. He'll let me be upset and talk to him. He seems to care. alot. I like that.
We can talk for hours and still have stuff to talk about. At times i wish i could hold him. But i know the distance only makes the relationship stronger. o_o Yep Yep So he might be coming up monday. Heh. yes yes yes.
Thats it for now i guess. :)
current mood: amused
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, July 27th, 2005
| |
8:09 pm - Seems i never update
|
Heh, i never really update anymore do I? Where do i fucking begin? Well lets see I met a few new ppl that are awesome like Matt and James. They're fun to hang with. Especially late at night at the hole in the wall. Yeha that was an amazing night. I've been fighting with Mike recently. I almost sent him flying off my front porch i was so pissed at him. I dont know what to think with him anymore.
Anyways up to good stuff, Mom threatened to kick me out today. So after the day of ignoring her she apologized. :) that made me feel better. The other night my little brother beat the crap outta me. yep bruises and cuts x.x hes mental though. so i forgive him.
On the other hand, I started school. I finished The Half-Blood Prince. yep :)
I feel like shit. Im going to go.
P.S. FRANSICO, YOU ARE ARE BEING CASTRATED
current mood: bored
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, July 10th, 2005
| |
10:51 am
|
Been awhile since i updated. Mikes been sending me mixed signals again. So im confused. :-/ I dont know what we are anymore, if were friends or if were getting back together or what the hells going on. I know ive fallen for him. And its hard to get over him. I want to be with him but at the same time I don't. I know he's going to hurt me. I know he's not over jenn yet. He probably still talks to her more than he does me. Hell if anything shes on his mind more than anything. That makes me kinda hurt. I thought he cared for me. But i realize he doesnt. So like an Idiot im sitting here crying. Wishing to talk to him. I miss his hugs so much. He has been hugging me which leads me on. I really just wanna know what is between us. If im just something he uses for an occasional blowjob or what. But thats how im feeling.
current mood: depressed
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, June 27th, 2005
| |
10:13 am
|
Been talking to mike lately. I really like him. Heh. But, yeah. we talked this morning about IF im preg. He says i might not be. So. I think next week im going to ask him to take me to get a blood test just to make sure.
Jenn pisses me off how she shows up randomly when im spending time with mike. When hes with me, hes mine. Not hers at that time. Hes not always gunna be there to spend time with her. She needs to let him move on. God dammit. I spent a few hours with him yesterday helping him settle in the cat. :) He took yoda because chewwies sick. and renamed it Mammon but the cats litter trained already which he likes. hehe.
But anyways im pissed because jens stupid ass put a pic of me on her profile. Which is totally stupid. Gah. Im going to go.
current mood: distressed
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, June 20th, 2005
| |
9:37 pm
|
|
| |
9:27 pm
|
Seems Ive updated a million times today. Woah. Im not as upset anymore. We have a full moon. I feel like vomitting again. GAH! I want to make everything right that ive done wrong, but i dont know how. When things get me down, I put on Midnight Rider by the Allman Brothers. It has signifcance to me. o_o Well my bestfriend is gone for a week. Said we can hangout after he gets back. Thats cool. Ill hopefully get to see Michael tomorrow. Maybe i wont cry. Hopefully.
current mood: calm
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
5:59 pm
|
I feel really bad for giving Jen all that shit. Mike said she might have brain cancer...........eek. That makes me feel terrible. x.x Jen if you read this, I am so fucking sorry.
current mood: scared
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
5:51 pm - Jealousy.
|
Heh. My jealousy has gotten the best of me, Ive lost someone i care about once more. He says we can be friends. I guess thats cool. and Hopefully get back together. x.X I kinda did some shit because i thought he was cheating.
Yeah Im a paranoid bitch. He was spending the day with his ex.........So me and his bestfriend popped over there. Eh. yeah. So hes all pissed. Ended up coming over at 2:30am to see me. That made me feel better. He held me and stuff. This morning he "supposedly" Wnats to date my mom. I dont know who the fuck to believe. He says he was joking. Mom said he wasnt. WTF do i believe. Ive been "leaking all day" (crying) Mike spent a few hours with me today, and made me feel better. Sorta. i laid in his bed and cried and he tried to comfort me. and we came back to my place and played with my Kittens. :) that made me feel a bit better. Im still upset........But Ill get over it.
Eh yeah.
current mood: blah
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, June 17th, 2005
| |
10:34 am - My boys ex is a psychotic bitch.
|
Very Very psychotic. She makes it impossible for me to want to be with him. God she has to talk to him FUCKING CONSTANTLY. i hate that. All the fucking time shes up his ass. Cant she just learn to leave him alone? I understand shes loaning him money, and thats nice of her. But now hes gotta kiss her crazy ass. and it really sucks. Im afraid she'll try and pull some shit and try to get back with him. he says he wont do it, but it still scres me. I know its in his past, just like jeremys in my past, But me and jeremy dont talk constantly. They do. It sucks, Ill be over there, and they'll just be chatting/argueing away and its like GOD! pisses me off soooooooooooooo bad! But i tolerate it. I like him. Hes very comforting. Holds me just the right way, and is very cuddly. My mother likes him. But i guess as long as bitchface is involved we wont have anything. i think she prides herself on that. Shes still trying to figure out who i am, and probably never will. Which is good i guess. I just hate her so much. Im really insecure. I finally found a good guy that doesnt treat me like shit and im going to loose him.
My ex's they always yelled at me, and one tried to hit me a few times. This one doesnt even have the personality, hes always making me smile or laugh. and its so sweet. Im looking outside at the clouds now they're so peaceful. I really like the outside. I really dont mind that the guy im seeing is poor. I know he said his ex did. But im used to living simple. Making just enough to live on is the best way to be, then you dont spoil yourself to want what you cant have when things do get rough. All i really want is for someone to love me, hold me, and be there when i need them. I guess im just looking for a poor simple guy. like ive dated rich guys, it pisses me off how they have so much money to throw around. its like GOD save some. and grrr. that maeks me mad. and then theres one that goes around flaunting how much he has saved. which really pisses me off. I guesss this is just a little rant for now.
I'm not sure when im going to get to see my guy again, maybe tomorrow, maybe today, most likely tomorrow. tomorrow is saturday. I still need to find out when i need to send in my school computer so i can start off the new year. I start the new year july 13th. Woohoo. Its going to be a boring year, i do graduate how ever. Probably in like april or august. Depends on how fast i finish up my credits the things that are going to be hardest for me to finish are my math courses. RAWR. Im probably going to take a few courses at the college instead of online too. Like my government and probably my last english course.
Yesterday my ex came over. it was essentially the day from the hell. Early in the morning my mom woke up with puke and blood draining down her mouth. Its from her cancer and that really upset me through the day. Then my ex came over at 1:15 to drop stuff off hes had for 2months. Didn't even bother to give it back after we broke up just kept it. So i had to bitch at him the other day to get it back. RAWR. Chris came here looking presentable it was amazing. He actually shaved, wetted his hair down and dressed in clothes that werent baggy. I think he was trying to impress me. So about 2hours after he left my guy came and picked me up, we spent 2hours together, then we slept, then we ;) then he took me home and went off to work. It was a nice time. Except hes a blanket hog and rolls around too much LOL. Claims he doesn't, but really does. I guess i really needed someone to cuddle with last night after how upset i was over my mom. The ex that came over was the one who tried to hit me. So that was kind of upsetting. RAWR Rawr RAWRRRRRRrr! It annoys me.
Ive been playing neopets alot. So thats cool. Ive got about 170k on it, almost beat Nq1, and yeah its great. :P
I talked to jeremy this morning, He sounds stressed. I feel bad for coming over there with mike the other day, i know it kind of upset him. I still love jeremy, and always will. But thats because he was my bestfriend. He was superman, was always there when i needed him, even when i was with chris. He was really nice, sometimes when he wasnt mad. He had an anger issue, but most people do. I hope he finds someone. He deserves to be happy. I know his friends have been being dicks to him, But they'll stop eventually, and well if they don't they werent friends in the first place. Hes too nice. He lets everyone walk all over him. Totally goes out of his way to do stuff. But thats it for now.........So Ill update when i feel like typing more. I think this was a pretty big update.
current mood: aggravated
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, June 14th, 2005
| |
8:31 pm - CLOSED.
|
|
I am making a new LJ, if u want it, IM me, the AIM name will stay the same on here. so just IM me.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, June 13th, 2005
| |
11:26 pm
|
heh, havent updated in a while. Broke up with jeremy sometime last week. I had a good weekend this weekend, I started seeing a new guy, for now i shall call him Andrew, because i dont want anyone to know his name. We hung out practically all weekend. and today. I met him saturday and we totally hit it off. I think thats pretty cool. We ended up sleeping together. Hell yes we did, But it was so good. So uhm Saturday night we ended up going to Common Grounds in Lakewood. god there Chai is the besssssst! yes it is!!! And sunday we went and saw Episode 3. It was alot better the second time i saw it. :) Andrew is such a sweetie. He holds me alot, caresses my face, kisses my forehead. Hes a total romantic. He seems to be all about pleasing me. I think thats good, But i wanna please him too.
LOL today after dinner we were cleaning up his apartment, and im like you only date me because i clean, and he goes you only date me because ive got a big cock. Well thats part of it, But hes so gentle, sweet, and caring, and makes me feel special. Plus i feel comfortable with him. and hes Hillarious. always making me laugh. Especially since last night he was sitting on my front porch and making up conversations for my kittens. LMAO it was hillarious.
I cant wait til i get to see him next.
current mood: sore
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, June 2nd, 2005
| |
11:19 am
|
Well i get to see jeremy tomorrow. Was supposed to see him monday but he got sick. So yeah. He said hes not gunna stand me up tomorrow. Told me to get that bullshit out of my head. Lol. its so hard when he did it once before.
Well lets see, yesterday my baby cousin moved to FL. No more baby. That makes me sad. I was like her mommy. But eh oh well. I guess i have more time for myself. So i got my own room now. I guess thats cool. I like it. but yeah. I miss the baby.
Im going to go.
current mood: bored
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, May 29th, 2005
| |
8:48 am - Its sad when no one can help you out
|
Lets see, yesterday alot of shit happened on my end of the line. things were good early in the morning. I went to church and saw some friends. Kaylas pregnant. Im happy for her. shes 4months along. Gosh everyone around me is pregnant. and Im loosing the only person who really loves me. Shes moving in 2days. Yeah. I got her in my lap right now. her dumbass mother left without telling anyone and she started crying.
Well lets see, Im on anti bitoics,and Premarin. seems i was pregnant. and me and chris did loose our baby. Im on premarin to get rid of the old blood. I told chris it was from the Birth Control. I don't want him to know any diffrent. He doesnt care anyways.
Anyways, yesterday my aunt beat the crap outta me. God i hurt so bad. The police came and they said it would be easier for me to go somewhere until she moved because my aunt has a baby. Heh i got kicked out of my own home. But seems none of my family wanted me. and My bestfriend wouldnt even take me. I called him in tears. He said No. heh. its okay i guess. It just shows no one can help me out when i need it. I got another head injury. Its lovely when i get em. I get so tired afterwards and i cant go to sleep. So yeah. She hit me in my back so hard im having problems pissing. it sucks. I normally pee once every hour. now its once every 3-9 hrs. and i drink more than enough fluids. Soooooooo Im kinda upset about that. I think she hit my kidneys. Ill go to the docs in a few days if im still having problems. But yesterday it was impossible to piss.
current mood: depressed
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
xrandomxloverx's journal
